Wild Wadi: Wedgie Wonderland

Wild Wadi is a water park in the same area as the Burj Al Arab and the Jumeirah Beach Hotel. Which is right next to the beach.

http://www.wildwadi.com/

I didn’t have a waterproof camera on me so I couldn’t get any pictures of the inside. I couldn’t see much once I got inside anyway. I’m pretty blind without my glasses and I left them in the locker. No sense in losing them in the water.

Everything was pretty much a blur. They had some huge maps of the area describing the park attractions and I had to get to get to an inch of the map and squint really hard to see anything. To a point where people were thinking I was making out with one of the cartoony characters on the map. But since I couldn’t see anyone’s face anyway, it wasn’t a problem. The voices in my head typically make fun of me when I give them the visual indication that people are starting. Blurry moving talking heads don’t stare. They just fade away and become blurry dots that bob away.

As soon as I entered, I saw this tall tower with a slide attached to it (I could make out there was a slide by the blurry dots dropping from the side and not falling to their doom). There was about a 20 minute wait to the top. There were some warning signs along the way that I couldn’t close enough to, which freaked me out. Why are there warning signs? What are they trying to tell me? Why isn’t this print larger? Freaking son of a fish hook, WTF am I doing at the near top of a tower this tall? I would have probably probably left at that point, had it not been for the shirtless, hairy “wide” kid behind me who (along with his buddy) was blocking the way down. Somehow I convinced myself that going down a slide sticking out the side of a really tall tower was a lot safer then trying to slide (it was humid and sticky that way….I would have had to slide) between twiddle-dum and twiddle-dee. It was not a very hard decision to make.

Nobody warned me about this. I seriously doubt any of the warning signs mentioned the possibility of this ride giving you an atomic wedgie on the way down. It starts off well, I fell like I was going to get thrown off the slide and get hurled towards the pavement at a gazillion miles an hour. (Not exactly how I plan to go down, I have yet to decided how I plan to go down, BTW). But I didn’t get hurled anywhere. I was heading towards a pool of water, butt first probably at near terminal velocity. It’s at this point when water turned into a substance with the physical properties of sandpaper and a wall. By the time I came to a dead stop, my swimming trunks and I had bonded in ways that are not natural. Not to mention after the adrenaline had worn off, my ass was radiating heat like the sun and I was reminded of my days in school when teachers would still use the paddle.

Yes, I paid money and waited in line 20 minutes for this…

Atleast I went on the slide, before twiddle -dum and twiddle-dimmer. The last thing I want to see is a couple of large kids picking out bits of swimming trunks from their butt.

Oh wait, I can’t see anything anyway.

Nothing like a soaking in cool salt water to heal the ravaged gluteus maximus. Good thing they had a wave pool there that actually had ocean water. Imagine that. A wave pool. With ocean water. Right next to the beach. What a novel idea!

Next was a lazy river tubing ride. You come to realize that the river that shoots jets of water to push the tube up and down slopes isn’t that lazy. Ofcourse this didn’t really help with my butt. The trick here was to not let your butt go al the way thru the tube. This preventing scraping from the pipes and tubes that you would travel thru and the jets of water pushing you up the pipes didn’t feel as bad anymore.

Great ride though.

The place was closing so that was all we did. I could have made better use of the 120Dhs(US $32) entry free, but we got there late. Maybe next time.